Carolyn Hax: Torn between pretty good life' and moving near family

July 11, 2024

Dear Carolyn: I have a job I love, but it’s unfortunately way, away from all my family. My parents are getting older and my sibling and family are close to them. It’s actually been killing me a bit to be so far in the midst of all this chaos.

At the same time, I’ve built a pretty good life here and it would be a massive change. The jobs I’m looking at are good, interesting, but just … not quite the same. I’m also single, and it takes a little while to build friends, so a big change would be a big change.

It feels like a whiny problem to have, but I’m trying to get to a point when I’m not second-guessing myself all the time. Any suggestions?

— Upheaval

Upheaval: What is “whiny” about missing your family but also not wanting to uproot a happy, well-established life? Doesn’t your situation get at the reasons life is worth living?

So, sure, you can say you have an embarrassment of riches, with a good job and root system and also tight bonds with your family. But even then, your circumstances are such that committing yourself fully to one costs you dearly with the other.

I wish I could offer you a better answer than just restating your problem, but I think we all know I’m in no position to tell you “stay” or “go.” All I can do is urge you to stop the self-flagellation. You’re facing something hard, and you’re not likely to come up with any decision that checks all the boxes you want it to.

Taking yourself seriously at least is a way to get at what you really want here. You haven’t jumped on any of the jobs you’ve found near your parents, so, okay — that’s telling you something. You don’t want to go. Or, other version, you haven’t yet come across or created the circumstances that would move you to uproot. That’s an answer in itself.

And, likewise, you’re still looking (right?), which is also an answer: You haven’t met the terms required for leaving, but you’re still open to the possibility that certain terms would be good enough to move for.

And so on. Instead of the Big Decision, you are making small decisions, to the best of your ability. That’s fine. Really. And you can even make the small decision to suspend your job search temporarily to give yourself a mental break from it. Six months, say, no searching. Answers can come to you during that break, too.

You can also look into ways to be more present for your parents without uprooting completely — frequent visits, or remote work that allows you to stay in your current city but work from your parents’ area for spells, or a temporary relocation for school or training, or planning with them and your sibling to be involved from afar, etc. Obviously this depends on the type of work you do, but if it’s not compatible, then maybe that’s a more appealing way to make a change than geographic.

Short answer, to prove I know what one is: Take enough pressure off yourself to give your mind room to think.

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