Worried about an imminent apocalypse? Here are the best celebrity prepper offerings.

July 31, 2024

Children of the 1980s may remember televangelist Jim Bakker, co-star of the PTL ("Praise The Lord") Club with his former wife Tammy Faye. (She died in 2007.) The Bakkers gained some fame through the popularity of their TV show, but they skyrocketed to national attention when allegations of fraud and rape were leveled against Jim. He ended up going to prison for a few years after being convicted of fraud for selling lifetime memberships to a resort his company ran without actually delivering the goods.

A few years ago, he started making a comeback, preaching the gospel with his new wife and running a little business on the side selling end-times supplies to his parishioners. He's on Twitter, too, where his exhortations move rapidly between the biblical ...

...Supernatural events are going to take place, they are going to increase. The Revelation things are going to increase...-Pastor Jim Bakker

— The Jim Bakker Show (@JimBakkerShow) July 9, 2016

... and the practical.

Those tweets ran back-to-back.

Internet personality Vic Berger is obsessed with Jeb Bush, Chubby Checker, Donald Trump and Bakker and provides a constant stream of snippets from the four (less so Bush these days) at his Vine account.

Over the weekend he noticed that Bakker's survival supplies game (like the black bean burgers above) was being challenged by another contender for the end-times-are-nigh-stock-up crown: Glenn Beck.

It's not technically true that Beck "has resorted" to selling food; even while he was atop the media landscape thanks to his early opposition to President Obama, he had a partnership with a company called Food Insurance that did the same sort of thing. Food Insurance is something of a favorite on the right, it seems. At foodinsurance.com/conservative they tout the past endorsements of Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Laura Ingraham, among others. Not Beck, though, perhaps because in recent years he has partnered with My Patriot Supply.

In this moment of uncertainty, with a recent spike in violence, a contentious presidential race and a general sense of unraveling, we thought some of you might be interested in comparing and contrasting the various doomsday kits offered by various celebrities to see which offered the best post-apocalyptic survival bang for your Bitcoin.

Bucket of pizza

"One of the most popular foods in America is pizza and now you can add it to your long-term emergency food storage!"

Bakker: $100 for 48 pizzas.
Food Insurance: No pizza bucket.
Back/Patriot Supply: No pizza bucket.

Best deal: Bakker.

Bakker also appears to be the only entrepreneur selling a Fiesta Bucket, allowing you to make meals like "Quesadillas, Chicken Fajitas, Tacos, Cheesy Nachos, Enchiladas and Burritos in your own signature style!"

A giant can of chili

"Add great taste and variety to your emergency food storage with our Chili with Beef & Rice."

Bakker: $40 for 24 servings of chili macaroni with freeze dried beef.
Food Insurance: $33.59 for 40 servings of chili with beef and rice.
Back/Patriot Supply: No can of chili, but "traveler's stew" is $19.95 for 44 ounces. Patriot Supply also has reviews; Richard of Texas says that his review of the traveler's stew is the same as his reviews of "Honey Powder, Butter Powder, and Nanner Chips." So check those out.

Best deal: Food Insurance.

A big thing of six months of food

"The 6-Month Food Supply provides one adult with 900 servings of healthy, delicious storable food, drinks and snacks for 180 days."

Bakker: $300 for 548 servings.
Food Insurance: $1,179.99 for 1,326 servings.
Back/Patriot Supply: $947 for 900 servings.

The main difference here appears to be what's included. Food Insurance has both a low- and high-calorie version, that is a full meal for each of the six months. (It also has six-month supplies of just fruit, vegetables or meat.) Patriot Supply has mashed potatoes and corn chowder and traveler's stew (think: nanner chips) and so on. The Bakker kit isn't a full day of food; it's mostly just entrees, apparently.

Best deal: Patriot Supply, on cost-per-serving basis.

Flashlight/radio device

"The Emergency Flashlight/Radio is ideal for emergency preparedness situations. Keep one in your home, office, bug-out-bag, or car."

Does your bug-out bag have a flashlight-radio? No? [chuckles] And you think you're prepared for the apocalypse?

Bakker: So, Bakker's offering is a solar emergency radio, which retails for $65. So as you compare prices, remember that you're not paying for batteries — or wasting space for them in your underground "10 Cloverfield Lane" bunker. (Assuming your bunker gets enough light to power the solar charger.) Also, it looks like it is bigger.
Food Insurance: $19.99.
Back/Patriot Supply: $19.95.

Best deal: Now, based on the four cents of savings, you may assume that we'd pick Patriot Supply. Wrong. The best deal is from Bakker, because not only do you not need batteries, but you can also buy six of them for only $325.

Why do you need six of them? Just wait until the world ends, and you'll see.

Best overall item

Bakker: A big bucket of eggs, $100.

Food Insurance: A big backpack with three days' worth of food. (It's a bug-out bag!) What if the apocalypse comes and also you want to go camping? Here you go. $159.99.

Patriot Supply: Survival seed vault. What if the apocalypse comes and also you want to enjoy fresh vegetables in a few months' time? Here you go. $29.95.

Note that the seeds are not genetically modified. That's mentioned a lot in these item descriptions for some reason.

Best deal: Still the pizza bucket. Jim Bakker may have once resigned in disgrace and gone to prison for ripping people off, but a giant bucket of pizza addresses all sins.

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